Monster
by Jiggywidit
Summary: Rin's coping mechanism... doesn't really work. At all. But don't tell him that. Onesided Rin-Haru, angst galore.


**!warnings!:** _**15/16/17 y.o. boy masturbating, gratuitous use of the word 'fuck,' sick imagination, blurred line of said imagination and reality, ruined formatting via ffnet, one-sided hatecrush, self-deprecation, erotic asphyxiation, angst, angst, angst. If any of this makes you uncomfortable, uh... I'll buy you a pool. Haru not included.**_

_**for future reference this was written in the week of episode 2, before episode 3.**_

_**to go from crack fic to this monstrosity... i think i'm in love... /OTL  
**_

* * *

"Rin!"

"Haru." His eyes are clear and deep as blue pools, and Rin's glad he can get the same kind of reaction out of Haruka as when the boy sees a body of water. He feels like it's an achievement, but he'll never tell him.

"What are you doing here?" _Why haven't you called_? goes unsaid. He doesn't have much time, so he gets to the point.

"...Haru, let's race. Before I leave again."

Rin notices the light fades out of Haruka's eyes, but he's already headed for the swim club. He doesn't turn back to check.

* * *

He remembers working his ass off in Australia. He remembers leaving his family and friends behind.

He remembers losing.

He doesn't want to look at Haru. He's afraid of what he'll see. He doesn't want to see superiority or indifference. And he sure has hell doesn't want to see pity.

* * *

Swimming isn't enough to satisfy the all-encompassing rage that begins to consume him inside-out. For the first two months after he returns to Australia, Rin pushes his body to the limits. By logic, he probably wasn't working hard enough before he raced Haru. That's why he lost.  
So he begins spending more time in the pool than out, returning home so exhausted he can't move. But it's worse when he doesn't immediately collapse. He shouldn't be left alone with his thoughts.

Two months after returning, his rage slowly tears him apart. Pool maintenance prevented him from reaching his usual full hours. The extra energy is wearing his patience so very thin, but he refuses to leave his room. Something tells him if he leaves his room, there will be a massacre of sorts and he won't be able to stop himself.

Rin's thoughts begin piling up and threaten to spill out. He was afraid of this happening, but there's no stopping it now.

He hates this. Absolutely hates it... whatever it is.

He hates Haruka. Hates the prodigy, How he doesn't even _like_ swimming competitively, then beats him like it's nothing. That _fucking hypocrite. _  
Rin's willing to bet Haruka's never had to work as hard as he has. Because it's all natural. He's like a fucking dolphin stuck in a human's body. And sadly, Rin was not gifted with the same natural abilities.

It builds up to the point where Rin is just entertainment for Haruka. He's nothing, he's trash, he's less than dirt.

A red haze fills his vision, and things start getting thrown around his room. But it doesn't matter because he'll never be good enough, he'll never be better than Haru.

He stops when he hears glass shatter. Somehow it makes him angrier. He even has limits to what he can do in his own room.

He collapses onto his bed, shaking, because he's weak, weaker than Haru. So very, very weak...

He realizes with a groan that he's hard. He curls inward, shivering when he rubs against the cloth of his boxers. He wants to go back to destroying things. Anything would be better than this.

Now he doesn't know what's more humiliating, losing to Haruka, or this. Being tortured by his own body. He's not safe anywhere.

So Rin gives in. Before he can even wonder if he's sane, his pants are halfway down his legs and his hand is in his boxers. His mind supplies the images and it only gets worse from there.

Because all he can see is Haruka.  
Haruka's glimmering eyes. Haruka's drenched hair. The curve of his spine before he enters water. The smooth expanse of skin Rin remembers when he used to throw his arm around him. _Haru, Haru, Haru..._

It throws Rin off for a good minute, just thinking about Haruka.  
Then the anger comes rushing back full force. He grips himself roughly, going at a quick pace.

He has to stop thinking. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve any happiness.

He imagines that expanse of skin. He imagines bruising it, marking it. Biting so hard Haru bleeds and Rin can taste iron on his tongue.  
He wants to rip those deep blue eyes out. He wants to grind into Haru's thighs and defile him until he feels the same level of humiliation and anger as him. He wants wants _wants..._

He muffles his cry into his pillow, spilling onto his hand and the inside of his boxers. It's weird, hot and sticky, but the release is good and for now that's all that matters. There are tears on his cheeks, and he doesn't know what to feel anymore.

But there's always been one thing he's wanted.

He wants to beat Haru.

* * *

When he goes back to Japan the next New Years, he's learned to mask his emotions. He smiles at the appropriate times, laughs when someone jokes, talks and talks about useless things.

Only Gou notices something is off. When they all get ready to sleep the day before the last day of the year, she stands in his room awkwardly. She knows when they aren't celebrating New Years or his visit, he sulks inside his room. He never leaves the house,

"Rin?"

"...Ah, Gou. What is it?" He's already under his covers, not moving.

"Why don't you ever say hi to your friends?" _Did something happen last time you were here?_

He visibly flinches, and there's a noticeable change in atmosphere. Gou refuses to back down, because she loves her brother and will do anything for him. It hurts her to see him like this.

"...don't need to. Let me sleep." And the atmosphere dissipates, like it was never there in the first place. He just sounds sleepy, and that's it.  
Alarms go off in her head, but Gou knows better than to pry. There's nothing she can do, for now.

* * *

Rin becomes insatiable back in Australia. When he's not swimming, he's either eating, breathing, or jacking off to Haru. Even school is pushed to the back of his mind because he does just as well when he crams as when he doesn't. There's no point in studying if all he wants to do is swim.  
There's nothing else to think about. Except Haru.

And it terrifies him, the amount of control his ex-teammate has over him. He doesn't even know how much Haruka has changed over the years, the image he sees of him is blurred and flawed. It really pisses him off.

But he remembers how his body moves underwater, gliding fast and free. His cock twitches in his hand.

Imagining Haru swimming is easy. Haru belongs in the water.

That's all he allows himself to imagine of the Haru he once knew.

The Haru in his mind has broken bones. He can't move his arms or legs. He can't swim.

The Haru in his mind writhes in pain and pleasure as Rin fits his cock into his mouth and hits the back of his throat.

The Haru in his mind enjoys- no, _hates it_ when Rin pulls out and releases onto his face.

Another time, they are half-submerged in water, and Haru holds onto the edge of the pool as Rin thrusts up against his back.

He begs and begs Rin to_ stop, __go lower,_ and later, _please, go faster_ with heated breath. Rin gives him no pleasure, going irritatingly slow, ripping his delicate skin off with pointed teeth. He comes all over his back and snaps his neck. It makes him come harder.

He never penetrates him in these sessions.

It's not that he doesn't know what to do, no, he knows very well.

He's afraid of how it will change him. Haru will always be unattainable and being so close...

He won't think about it.

* * *

The next winter, Rin arrives earlier than usual. The biting cold is forgotten when they greet each other, and Gou has all but forgotten the sneaking suspicion from last year.

It comes back the day he locks himself in his room and doesn't come out until dinner. She could just chalk it up to new behavior, like something he got used to doing in a faraway country. But there's more to it than that, she knows. He used to be so full of life. Now he doesn't even try smiling.

He's back in his room after the longest, quietest dinner of their lives. Gou stands outside his room hesitating. She knows that a lot of the things she will say to him in the next few moments will potentially strain their relationship, but she's taking a chance.

When she knocks on his door, he opens it eventually. It's dark, the only light is the one streaming from his phone.

"Rin?"  
"...Ah, Gou." Hey, this is familiar.  
"Still single on the holidays, eh? You're wasting your good looks." She stands at his doorway awkwardly. Here goes.  
"...Ever thought about contacting the others? Y'know. Makoto, Nagisa...Haruka?"  
There it is. A reaction.

His eyes go wide, and for a terrifying moment he looks like he's contemplating strangling her. But it's only for a split second and it's hard to see it in this light.

"I don't know who you're talking about," he says in an eerily quiet voice.  
She gets straight to the point. There's no going back now.  
"You've been acting weird for the longest time. It has something to do with Haruka, doesn't it." A flinch. Bingo.  
There's a soul-crushing silence.  
...He's probably smitten.  
"Get out." His voice shakes, extremely vulnerable.  
"Just tell him you love him and get over yourself."

Rin slams the door in her face.

* * *

He won. He finally fucking won.

So... why does it feel like he lost?

* * *

Rin really wants to hurt him. Hurt him as badly as he did all those years ago. Push him into the ground, drown him in the pool.

_"You win. That's great, Rin."_

How dare he. How dare he fucking think that that makes it any better. Because if it's supposed to make it better it's not _fucking_ working.

Rin locks the door of the dorm and climbs into the lower bunk bed. His roommate will be out for the rest day.

In less than a minute of entering, he kicks off his pants and boxers and grabs a bottle of lotion.

He pours an amount on his palm to warm it up and uses his other hand to pull his shirt to under his chin.

Haru's eyes were like ice, frozen over. Gazing at him with superiority even though he _fucking lost_.

Rin's fingers brush over his chest, grasping a nipple when he grips himself. There's something different today, his body is on fire.

It feels wrong, _this is all wrong._

His starting pace leaves him breathless, mind blank for once. Anger flares in him once more and there it is. That heat that began when he saw Haru all over again. He toes curl and spine tingles. Huh.

The image of Haru in his mind refreshes. He's taller, more toned, nothing else. Nothing to get worked up over. So, why...?

His imagination gets ahead of himself. He's back in the Samezuka pool with Haru. Makoto and Nagisa have disappeared. It's just them, all alone.

Haru's breathing is heavy, face pink from exertion. He lifts himself from the pool and heads toward the exit.

Rin follows, grabbing his shoulder and throwing him to the ground. The view above Haru is nice, and Rin has to bite his lip to keep himself from making noises.

This Haru is nothing like the real thing. His face is more open, lips apart with surprise. Rin pins his wrists with one hand, and this Haru _moans _like he enjoys it.

Rin can't stop staring at his mouth. The inside of his mouth is so pink, he just...

He kisses him, full on the lips, sneaking a bit of tongue.

Uh, that's never happened before.

The sounds he hears are so clear, he has to calm down his breathing. He didn't think it was possible, but even more blood rushes south. He wants more.

Rin pulls down Haru's jammers with one hand, slowly unwrapping a present, and Haru cooperates. Haru's cock is as hard as his, leaking precome. Rin takes it in hand, smearing the come all over and down his inner thighs.

He licks his lips, eyes tightly shut. He imagines ravishing those thighs, indentations all over. He's so wet, his hand is coated, and the friction becomes delicious.

RIn's hold on Haru's wrists tightens, using both hands to pin him down, and he grinds against his lower half harshly. Haru's precome stains the front of Rin's jammers. He needs more.

Rin tears off his jammers, and it's a bit weird in his head, seeing as his lower half is already bare. He lifts Haru to sit on his lap, and feels his back, his shoulder blades, taps his spine. Haru shivers in his hold, but doesn't leave, compliant.

He grips their dicks together and continues thrusting into his palm. Haru tips his head back, and Rin bites at his neck. He doesn't shed any blood this time, he's more gentle than usual, kissing along his jaw and sucking his throat when Haru suppresses a moan.

_Rin..._

It's so fucking clear, and Rin falters. He remembers Haru's voice so clearly and it terrifies him, but his body thinks otherwise, and he has to bite his arm to stop a scream. He's so close.

_Rin... Rin!_

Something surges in his core. Anger and an almost painful lusting for someone he can't have.

He... hates Haru _(right?)_. Hates his guts.  
Wants to...tear open his stomach with his teeth and throw out the guts he hates so much.

But the current Haru is surprisingly still intact. It's too hot. They're impossibly close. Rin's hands slip down to his balls, nearly falling off the edge into the abyss.

Haru.  
He hates hates hates hates hates-  
...

_After all these years, you would think he would start fantasizing about someone else._

He slams Haru back down, hearing a sickening crack supplied by his own mind. Unfazed, he goes back to pumping his shaft.

He wants to finish as quickly as possible now.

Rin wraps both hands around Haru's neck, blocking his airway. The boy under him gasps deliciously and Rin's hips grind down harder. They're both close, wait no, Rin's so close.

Rin brings a hand to his throat.

"Fuck..."

The lack of air makes his head feel tight. He's almost there...

"Fuck. _Fuck!_"

Haruka's name catches in his throat, right below his fingers. He could kill himself now. End this useless suffering.

Instead he comes, on his stomach and all over his shirt. He thrusts into his fist until the pulses die down and his legs give out.

He is exhausted and dizzy. His eyes roll open to stare at the top bunk, and if he didn't remember he had a roommate, he would have fallen asleep like that.

The hand on his throat moves to his cheeks to slap himself awake.

Rin sits up, because there are tears and he's fucking crying again. His body wracks with sobs.

This is all Haru's fault. Making him think such disgusting things.

He's pathetic.

...

...

...the end


End file.
